


Paperwork

by ProseApothecary



Category: Schitt's Creek, The Office (US)
Genre: M/M, The Office AU
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-26
Updated: 2019-07-26
Packaged: 2020-07-20 07:00:25
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 789
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19988023
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ProseApothecary/pseuds/ProseApothecary
Summary: Jellied staplers: a tale old as time.





	Paperwork

Alexis’ scream brings everyone to her desk.

“Fire?” asks Roland, rushing out of his office.

“Stapler in Jello,” Patrick corrects.

“Ooh boy,” Roland says, doubling over in laughter.

“Did you do this?” Alexis turns to face David.

“If I did this, I would take credit for it. There’d be a big sign, saying ‘David did this’.”

Alexis gives him a withering look.

As much as she wants it to become a federal case, people start going back to their desks within a couple minutes.

Patrick comes up to David at reception.

“Hey. Can I grab a toffee?”

“Right,” David says, “it’s just that the office doesn’t purchase the toffees. I purchase the toffees-”

“Got it,” says Patrick, “no toffees.”

“You can have one,” David says. “I just need you to understand the need for parsimony here.”

Patrick grins and takes a toffee at about the same time Stevie glances up.

“Wait. Is David giving away the toffees now?” She comes up and grabs three.

“You’re welcome,” David says with a glare.

“By the way,” says Patrick, “ _did_ you put your sister’s stapler in Jello?”

” _No_. And everyone asking me that is making me very jealous of the person who did.”

“Maybe it was Roland,” Patrick says. “His reaction seemed pretty over-the-top.”

“That’s just Roland,” David says with an air of definitiveness.

“Maybe someone noticed that Alexis has a habit of stealing clearly labelled food,” Stevie says. “Maybe they were being nice. Bringing the Jello right to her drawer so she doesn’t have to search the fridge.”

Patrick raises an eyebrow.

David holds out the jar of toffees. “Your service to this country is appreciated. Take as many as you need.”

Stevie smiles and takes a handful back to her desk.

David gives Patrick a pitying look. “I can’t believe you thought _Roland_ masterminded anything.”

Roland, right on cue, comes out of his office.

“Look at these two. Working hard or hardly working, eh? Let me tell you, if you’re having non-work-related conversations, I better be included! Just kidding. But seriously, what are we talking about? What’s the hot goss? The water-cooler chit-chat?”

There’s a pause.

“I was just about to ask David if he wanted to help out with the Gaskell account.”

“Great idea! Get some experience outside of the office. David?”

David is very inclined to say no, until he remembers he said in his job interview that he was “very open to new experiences” and “loved meeting new people”.

“…Sure.” He grabs the toffee jar.

Roland puts a hand on top of it. “Maybe we should leave that here, huh?”

David scowls.

Alexis stands up. “Can I come?” She looks at her jellied stapler and then turns her head dramatically around the room. “I don’t feel safe here.” 

Patrick plants a smile on his face.

“Sure.”

David feels bad for Patrick. He just needed an excuse for Roland and he ends up in a car with him and Alexis, who keeps humming off-key excerpts too every song that comes on the radio. David tries to look for traces of resentment, but Patrick just glances at him and smiles.

“Ooh, remember this song, David?! You chose it for drunken karaoke after you were stood up at that German bar and then you accidentally uploaded the whole thing to Insta.”

“That literally never happened. I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

Patrick has a smirk on his face that David would very much like to get rid of, but he also says “It’s a good song choice,” and David feels just a little vindicated.

It’s not long before they reach the warehouse and are greeted by a young businesswoman.

Alexis dives in. “Hi! Alexis Rose, Business Bitch.”

Patrick’s eyebrows rise. “Uh, Patrick Brewer. No honorifics.”

“Aw, don’t say that!” says Alexis, “you can be the Business Button!”

“Sure,” says Patrick helplessly.

David extends his hand. “Hi, David Rose-”

“-Business Baby,” Alexis finishes.

“Sorry,” says David, “she’s our worst intern.”

“ _First_ intern,” Alexis corrects. “He means first intern.”

“And therefore inherently our worst,” David mutters.

“…Right. I’d really just like to buy some paper?” the woman says.

“Of course,” says Patrick, getting out his briefcase. “Would you like to look at some samples?”

“I can’t _believe_ she ordered any,” David says in the car on the way back.

“That’s why you’re the Business Baby,” Alexis says. “You don’t think big.”

“Alexis,” David says matter-of-factly, “I’m going to put your phone in mayonnaise.”

“Ew, David!”

David looks over to see Patrick softly laughing at the both of them.

Which is annoying, usually, except that Patrick’s eyes are warm and his cheeks are dimpled and David might not entirely hate it.

It may even have been worth leaving the toffee behind.

**Author's Note:**

> This started purely because I wanted to envision [my favourite scene from The Office](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6McYAWxGeeQ) with Kelly and Ryan replaced by Alexis and Mutt (or Patrick and David, doing a much more self-aware, intentionally embarrassing version). And then I ended up not doing that, because it turns out a karaoke diversion is hard to incorporate into a story. But the image makes me very happy.
> 
> Also: the rest of the characters are a mix of people but everything Kelly has ever said or done fits Alexis PERFECTLY (although maybe not vice versa. I don't know how many kidnappings Kelly's foiled.)


End file.
